Glam I Am, Ma'am Yes Ma'am
plus: Black hair in video games get a touch up, fish that can drive & other reading recs
Long Read ahead:
On New Year’s Eve, my roommate and I sat at our terminal in LaGuardia Airport with our N-95 masks strapped to our faces, waiting to board our flight to Miami. She was on the phone with a close friend of hers, trying to explain why women should not be considered less valuable if they chose to spend their well-earned weekends shaking their asses in a club. As someone who studied psychology in college and understands how harmful it is to degrade women in this way, she made some strong points, so I was surprised when the debate lasted for an uncomfortably long time. Guilty for eavesdropping, I plugged in my earbuds and tuned out, but I couldn’t get the conversation out of my head.
It took a lot for me to post the above photo to my Instagram the following day. Suddenly, it felt inappropriate for some reason, along with every other recent photo of myself wearing some of my favorite outfits, be it at a club or Sunday brunch. I felt an urge make my account private or buy a colorful pantsuit to make myself look chic and professional. On my Instagram.
My photos look hot and fun, but I wonder if from a societal standpoint, people think I’m less worthy of respect or something? Or like, I wonder if people think I’m someone that they can’t take seriously? I’d texted my sibling, who is also my soundboard before posting just about anything on the app. Writing this now feels silly, but I felt uneasy at the time. My sibling asked me if that societal perspective was one I cared much about. I paused.
I get anxious when choosing photos to post online, especially if they’re of me looking and feeling sexy, or having a good time with friends. Don’t get me wrong—I love my body, style, femininity, sexuality, personality and all my other “-ities.” I love me, yet I feel like embracing my entire sense of self online is something men have constantly told me to feel guilty about.
Regardless of how acceptable my photos are to my general audience, I’m bombarded with thoughts like: Is my slit too high? Will showing too much skin make someone else uncomfortable? How much is “too much” anyway? What if I pose like this, or that? Is there a proper way to party? In the Age of the Internet, what parts of me should everyone be allowed to see? What about a select group of people? What shouldn’t be posted at all?
That’s not to say some of those aren’t valid questions. There are certain things I have hard rules for myself not to post online, be it my stance on political issues (I’m a journalist, remember?), specific plot points in my novel or details that could make me a stalker’s target. The problem, I believe, is that those questions ask for an invisible person’s universal opinion that does not exist, instead of trusting my own answers to those questions.
I find it tricky to navigate my public image or persona without shutting myself in a patriarchal-approved box that limits my humanity to when it serves male needs. My dad once told me I wouldn’t be taken seriously because I held a cocktail in my Facebook profile pic. I kept the photo up anyway, but do you see what I mean? When the bar’s that low, even photos of me wearing a bikini can seem indecent when they aren’t, especially in the eyes of my dad who gains nothing from me sharing it on my own accord. Same goes for non-father figures with nothing to gain. It’s damaging to say the least.
When playing it safe, I create a 2D version of myself that I despise. I’ve sat through too many conversations where people are only interested in what I do for work, as though I have no other interests, hobbies or aspirations. Some expect me to be overly nice all the time and are surprised when they discover that I’m a very direct and straightforward person with the occasional sailor mouth. I don’t even want to know how many people think I’ve never had sex.
I don’t mind being this 2D version of me in professional settings, for the most part. I just dread the day when someone tells me I crossed their line of what it means to be doing “too much” after I’ve carefully crafted my own boundaries with intention—my own boundaries that allow me to be fully human (and again, a nonpartisan journalist) that is deserving of the freedom to be me and the respect that comes with that.
Think about how you respond to your friends or ppl you follow posting similar content as you. Do you think of them any less? My sibling asked.
I told them no. My brain isn’t wired to devalue other people for exhibiting their qualities in ways that don’t harm or disrespect others. I admire those who can post photos and videos of themselves looking sexy and having fun while also being a boss at what they do. Respect, to me, is inherent. If others can’t see that, that should be their problem, not mine.
Ain’t nothing wrong with wanting to seem glam online, my sibling said.
Damn right.
Writing update 📝
Pages Written: Still 2.
Hello hello No Big Dil readers! Bit of a long post today, but I couldn’t resist; I doubt this will be the last time I blog about what being perceived on social media means to me, but I figured I might as well cram as much as I can in one post. One could argue that if I spent more of these late nights writing my novel instead of this newsletter I would be further along progress-wise! Ha-ha..
I attended a virtual Politics & Prose event last week where my former creative writing professor, Stephanie Grant, read and discussed her latest memoir called “Disgust.” Professor Grant taught me fiction during my last semester of college, and her lessons stuck with me more than anyone else’s. I admire her dearly.
So many people are writing now, she said during the livestream. So many books are being published, there’s so many venues for so many things to be published. I don’t want to write anything that isn’t absolutely urgent. I just don’t; I don’t want to write for my own vanity.
There were so many takeaways from that hourlong conversation, but that part about urgency really stuck with me, especially since days later, I began to notice trailers for films, TV series, etc., that used elements that felt like they were coming just a bit too close to what I’m writing about. Y’all know how protective I am about this.
With only written two pages under my belt, I couldn’t help but feel a bit dejected. My topic is urgent, but because of that, I’m always worried that I’ll somehow miss my window. Like…my writing has a long way to go if I want to produce something that rises to the level of people wanting to watch an adaptation of it on a screen, let alone read it in a book. By the time I’m finally done with this thing, what if nobody cares?
Near the end of the event, Professor Grant spoke about a sense of self-reckoning and how it helps to postpone it until after you’ve written what you wanted to write.
What you’re confronting is your own desire for publishing and questions about how it’s going to affect people around you. There’s a moment of self-reckoning, right? she said.
I feel like the answer to my feelings of dejection is somewhere in that statement, but to be honest, it’s something I’m still chewing on a bit. Why is this sense of self-reckoning important and why can’t I have it now? I may reach out to her and if she responds, I’ll fill y’all in next time around.
Stories that inspired me this week 🔗
Black Hair in Video Games Is Terrible. These 3D Artists Are Changing That. — by Trone Dowd for Vice.
As someone who grew up playing video games where textured hairstyles were mostly limited to afros, the fact that this is getting more attention in gaming design is so exciting to me!
It’s refreshing to know that Black artists who know these styles best are involved in the process of making high quality styles accessible across the gaming industry next year. Just because it can be a challenge to get those curls just right, doesn’t mean it isn’t worth it. Can’t have my future Metaverse avatar looking rough!
The World’s First-Ever NFT Restaurant Is Coming to NYC — by Tae Yoon for Thrillist.
What else can you look forward to in 2023? A seafood restaurant called “Flyfish Club” that’s exclusive to those who purchase their membership through a non-fungible token, or NFT. Birthday dinners might be tricky here.
Why Apple’s iMessage Is Winning: Teens Dread the Green Text Bubble — by Tim Higgins for The Wall Street Journal.
Oh, boy. I’m not a teenager but the way this often comes up in conversations with my friends makes me blush. A Google executive said Apple could make it easier for iMessage and Android users to communicate. Here’s why that might not happen.
Designer transforms household objects into playful fashion — by Jacqui Palumbo for CNN.
I don’t know much about upcycling but man, does this look pretty cool. This artist, Nicole McLaughlin, disassembles and reassembles items to create unexpected designs that maximize excess product use in unique, eco-friendly ways. The “shoeshi” is a personal favorite!
How to Prepare for Climate Change's Most Immediate Impacts — by Ghazi Balkiz and Jennifer Hauser for Wired.
Natural disasters. Food shortages. Supply chain issues. Sound familiar? Some of the immediate effects of climate change are already here, and we may have to grapple with them long after the pandemic ends. Here are some things to keep in mind as we move deeper into this new normal. They could be life-savers.
Honorable mentions:
Trying to delete yourself from the internet? Here’s how you could get close.
Not on my 2022 bingo card: fish that can drive cars.
Tech could change your life this year…starting with some of these gadgets.
Setting a goal to at LEAST double my page count next week. Wish me luck!